Today is Harry Potter’s 33rd birthday! Happy birthday, Harry!
In honor of Harry and his creator/birthday twin J.K. Rowling, I am posting this absolute gem of a conspiracy theory: Harry Potter–Satan’s Wizard by the illustrious Pastor Mike Storti. I hope you like it; I love it. Originally, I was just going to provide a link, but there are so many wonderful tidbits hidden inside that I decided to do a piece-by-piece breakdown with my personal responses underneath. You can read the original in one piece above. Or you can watch me OMGWTFing below:
Harry Potter – Satan’s Wizard
“Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God” – (Lev.19:31).
“And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will set my face against that soul and I will cut him off from among his people” – (Lev.20:6).
Leviticus. *Sigh* They always lose me when they quote Leviticus. This is the same book that says eating seafood is an abomination.
“…For thy merchants were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived” – (Rev.18:23).
Relevation quotes! Now this is what I’m talking about! Although it’s notable that in some interpretations, the word “sorceries” is replaced with “magic potions.” So transfiguration, divination, and DADA are perfectly acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. It’s those potions you have to watch out for.
Potter Pandemonium – July 21, 2007
Fans party as final book released.
“Cameron Goldman, 7, took on the persona of his favorite teenage wizard Friday night. He had a black cloak like Harry Potter and even had a lightning bolt scar in his forehead. It was the final time he’d be able to line up for a Harry Potter book and he was sad. He said “I like Harry Potter because I love wizards.” Potter fans like Cameron packed bookstores Friday night to await the release of ‘Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows,’
“Deadly Hallows?” Seriously, dude. You had one job.
I’m going to nitpick at this because J.K. Rowling put a lot of thought into choosing the term “Deathly Hallows.” “Deathly” means pertaining to death. It has a much more neutral connotation than the word “deadly.”
The point is that just because the hallows relate to death does not mean that they cause death. They are not “deadly,” which sounds scary and overdramatic. They are “deathly,” connected to death, but that’s not a negative thing. Death is just a thing, and that’s ok.
Admittedly, in the wrong hands, the Hallows can be deadly. But in the right hands they can be used to live a fuller life by embracing death and even, sometimes, overcome death through the power of a stronger force (i.e. love). The Christian themes are now walloping us all over the head. I’d say how could you possibly have read the book and not picked this up, but it’s clear that Storti hasn’t read the book, or he would at least know the title.
Sorry, where were we? Ah, here we go. So Deathly Hallows is…
the last book in the series. At least 40 bookstores held Potter parties to usher in the new book. Barnes and Noble was transformed into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and took classes in divination and potions.
This sounds pretty fun! I hope they played Quidditch too!
There are 356 million Potter books in print worldwide. In terms of books sold, Harry Potter stands third in the all-time publishing charts behind the Bible and ‘The Thoughts of Chairman Mao.’
All in all a fairly standard description. Then we hit the next sentence, and suddenly $#!* gets weird…
His books are training manuals for the occult. Untold millions of young people are being taught to think, speak, dress and act like wizards by filling their heads with the contents of these books. Harry Potter is Satan’s wizard. He’s a mythical, made-up child of the devil to deceive and capture the hearts and minds of millions of children and adults worldwide. He is cleverly being used by Satan to captivate the souls of not only our youth, but adults as well, and to lead them further down the path into the forbidden occult.
Wow, so that … escalated quickly.
I should clarify one thing before we go on. Storti writes with the assumption that becoming a witch is a bad thing. That’s simply false. There’s nothing wrong with being a witch. Men and women who identify as witches exist, and you can learn about them here. They’re quite nice, normal people, just trying to live a decent life like everyone else. They certainly don’t worship Satan. Satanic witches are a separate thing, and they don’t really worship Satan either. They may hold pink masses that turn dead people gay, but that’s a different story.
But putting all that aside for a second, let’s actually examine the Harry Potter books as potential training manuals for witches. Storti claims that the series teaches people how to “think, speak, dress, and act” like wizards. (He means witches–male witches are also called witches.) So I get the ‘dressing like witches’ part–Hogwarts students walk around draped in black robes. They have witch-like accessories, carrying wands and brewing potions in cauldrons.
But there the similarity to real witches ends. The ‘thinking and acting like witches’ accusation baffles me. How do witches act? Harry and his friends act like normal teenagers. They hang out with friends, gripe about school, and are completely baffled by the opposite sex. That’s not really a wizard thing … that’s a being-a-person-thing.
And how do witches speak? Is Storti talking about the made-up spells like “Lumos”? Because I can personally guarantee those spells are useless. I’ve swished and flicked and wingardium leviosa’d at everything within a ten mile radius, and not once have I levitated anything.
What I’m trying to say is that, if Harry Potter is supposed to be a training manual for real witchcraft, it’s the worst training manual I have ever seen.
Don’t follow the boy wizard with a lightning bolt mark in his forehead. It is the end time power of the Devil in preparing the world for Antichrist. Thousands of children dress up like wizards and get the lightning mark in their foreheads and follow Satan like the Pied Piper into hell. A generation of people is being programmed and conditioned to worship Satan and will end up with the worship of the Beast-Antichrist and getting his mark 666 in their foreheads. Harry Potter is preparing the way for the soon emerging Antichrist.
I didn’t add that emphasis. It was placed there by the author. If we were going to take anything away from this article, that’s the message Storti wanted us to take.
That is the best thing I have ever heard in my life. EVER.
Things get sort of anticlimactic and repetitive for a little while after that. Storti throws a lot of Bible verses at us, reasserting that wizards are evil and we are living in the End Times. I’ll spare you the rant. Finally, we get to the point…
Since we are living in the end times, with the emerging Antichrist soon to come, and the worship of Satan through him, we should expect a major push to occur that will condition the majority of the public to go into witchcraft and wizardry. And Harry Potter is performing this feat handily. People everywhere are being taught to love Harry Potter and the witchcraft he performs.
I love that line. “People are being taught to love Harry Potter.” It has such a nice, conspiratorial ring to it, yeah? People don’t really like wizards obviously; they’re being ‘taught’ to like wizards by Them. That gives the idea such a seductive, secretive, us vs. them flavor. Like we can totally stop this trend if only we can figure out who They are.
Sadly, the truth is that you can’t teach someone to like something. If you could, I would have taught the world to hate Fifty Shades of Grey and like erotica that is better written, like Sylvia Day’s Bared to You. But people are gonna like what they’re gonna like, and there’s nothing much you can do about it. Kids like witches because that’s a thing kids like. Sorry to burst any bubbles.
The next section gets a little repetitive too so I’ll abridge it as well.
They are already emulating his lightning bolt scar in his forehead, in exactly the place where the false prophet will one day soon require everyone in the world to be branded with the mark of the Beast. When people by the hundreds of millions take this Mark of the Beast, how many of them will have been preconditioned to accept such a mark in such a place on their body because of Harry Potter? … Now we have the satanic mark of Satan’s wizard, Harry Potter, with a lightning bolt in his forehead.
By this point, I was sure I’d hit the apex of the article. There is no way, I said to myself, that this theory could possibly get any better.
And then it got better.
In the Bible the name ‘Barak’ means ‘Lightning’ and we have a man running for president of the U.S. named ‘Barack’ Obama.
He didn’t… no! He did! He brought Barack Obama into it! Oh my GOD, Michael Storti, I am fangirling ALL OVER you right now!
I also love the phrase “I made a google search.” Like he’s saying, “Look, kids! See how well I can internet!”
“Vote for me! I love Harry Potter!” would have been a fantastic campaign slogan. Barack Obama missed a great opportunity there.
I’m not sure how this is deceitful. Obama seems pretty open about the fact that he likes Harry Potter.
We get a few more paragraphs of Bible verses comparing America to the fallen city of Babylon, and then, finally, we get this…
Surely we can see from the popularity of Harry Potter that sorcery and the Devil’s occult abound in America. We are going to see more and more sorcery in these end times as Satanism increases more and more as Satan deceives and blinds people.
Does Pastor Storti understand that most witches aren’t Satanists, and Satanists don’t worship Satan? I really don’t think he does.
Behind it all is the love of books and learning, but somehow I feel like those concepts would go over Storti’s head.
This is a little convoluted, BUT I really like the idea presented here that the Mark of the Beast is a brand logo that people willingly adorn themselves with. There are lots of interpretations of the Mark of the Beast idea. I’ve heard of it as a government mandated tattoo, an RFID chip, and a mark of immunization against whatever disease has been ravishing the population in said apocalypse. I’ve even heard of it as money itself.
However, I especially like the idea of the Mark of the Beast as a brand name that people wear proudly, like Nike or American Eagle or Disney. In part I like it because it means that the Beast is not a politician or a government but a corporation turned corrupt. Face it, the world’s going to be united under one corporation long before it’s united under one government. (Personally, I vote for Google. I like Google.) Either way, the ‘brand’ theory makes for a much more interesting and relevant End Times story than all of the politically-centered stories that struggle to turn the United Nations into a threatening force.
Someone want to write this version? I will buy it!
Stay way from Harry Potter and devils and Satan’s occult – it’s the quickest way to get devil possessed.
I don’t know why, but this line makes me giggle. I keep hearing it read in the voice of an infomercial announcer. “Having trouble conjuring up demon hordes? Ouija boards just not giving you the results you expected? Try Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! Now the quickest way to get devil possessed can be yours for only $19.95! Call before the Rapture, and we’ll throw in the whole series for only $6.66 more!”
We’ve about hit the end of Storti’s
tangent article. But of course, Storti wouldn’t be a good Anti-anti-Christian if he didn’t bug us all to convert…
The saints of God await the translation Rapture before the Antichrist comes into power. Are you a born again saint of God? Have you become a new creature in Christ, born again and baptized by the Holy Spirit? If not, you need to repent of your sins and believe on Christ in your heart by faith and you will receive forgiveness of sins. God sent His only begotten Son to be the Savior of the world. “In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world that we might live through him” – (I Jn.4:9). If you get saved, eternal life is promised you – “And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life” – (I Jn.5:11,12). Do not spurn the mercy and grace of God in His beloved Son or the wrath of God abides upon you. Repentance and faith in Christ will give you everlasting life – Jesus Christ only hath immortality. Harry Potter is deathly hallows – He is the second death in the lake of fire, He is unholy. – (Rev.20:14,15). Choose the Holy Father which is lively hallows –
Lolz, “lively hallows.” Also, he spelled “deathly” right this time! Good job!
“Our father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come…” – (Mt.6:9,10).
Harry Potter is preparing the way for the soon emerging Antichrist.
Just in case we forgot.
The Kingdom of Christ on earth is coming soon.
P.S. See my tract entitled – ‘Satan’s Wizard.’ You may write me for this tract and you can make copies of it and give them out.
Pastor Mike Storti
5000 N. LaCholla- Lot 76
Tucson, AZ 85705
Would love to hear from you!
Sadly, this ends our exciting and elucidating journey into the mind of Pastor Michael Storti. I’m tempted to do as he asks and write him some fan mail, but I feel like he wouldn’t take any of my glowing compliments as compliments.
PS – If there are any Wiccans and/or Satanists out there who would like to correct anything that I mentioned above, please do so! I know very little about these religions, and I don’t want to misrepresent either of them.
That’s all the Potter stuff, folks, but good things are coming up in the month of August, including (but not limited to) the End Times for Jehovah’s Witnesses! Stay tuned!