The End is Nearer: Updates for the Week of June 23-29

I was a little disappointed to see that neither Fred Clark nor Mouse posted LB critiques this week, but otherwise we’ve got some great stuff going on… Continue reading

Moral Dilemma: A Solution

So I came up with a solution to my dilemma.  (You probably thought I was kidding about the dilemma, but I legit angsted over it for a while.) Admittedly, it would be really cool to even have a chance at getting my music featured in a movie.  Just the hoping and waiting to hear back would be fun, even if the response was no.

But you know what isn’t cool?  Using God as an excuse to treat other people like crap. Also, supporting things that support using God as an excuse to treat other people like crap. That is also not cool.

So instead of submitting my song to Left Behind, I decided to make a youtube video out of it and post said video below:

Problem solved.

TV Alert: Apocalypse IV: Judgment

Remember how I said that there’s a fourth movie in the Apocalypse quartet where God gets put on trial?! Well, thanks to RubyTea and Daystar Television, now you too can view this trial at 6 pm on Saturday, June 29th! Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the loss of any brain cells that result from the viewing of this film.

Heathen Critique


In light of Ivan’s awesome Guest Critique of Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm, I have been inspired to make a new type of post, alerting you, my loyal readers and watchers and critiquers of bad Christian entertainment, to when you might be able to watch said bad Christian entertainment in the comfort of your own homes.

Because I just saw that the fourth movie in Cloud Ten’s epic Apocalypse series, Apocalypse IV: Judgment, will be shown on Daystar this very weekend!

So, if you enjoyed getting to know Helen Hannah, you can watch her continuing adventures.

And, as if you needed any more incentive than that, this movie features Mr. T!  (Insert your own “I pity the fool” joke here.)


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Apocalypse: In Which Haters Gonna Hate

I was going to talk about Apocalypse later in the year, but when I saw that Heathen Critique was running a series on it right now, I decided to post something while the topic was still relevant.  I deliberately haven’t read Ivan’s posts yet because I wanted to form my own opinions, so I apologize in advance for any overlap between Heathen Critique’s responses and mine.

Apocalypse Movie

Apocalypse is a 1998 movie about two journalists, Helen Hannah (Leigh Lewis) and Buck Williams Bronson Pearl (Richard Nester), who are trying to survive the Rapture and rise of the Antichrist.  A wise commenter from the Slacktiverse once referred to it as “the Left Behind equivalent of ‘Barry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.'” That description sounds about right.* Although it was made before the Left Behind movie, Apocalypse clearly wanted really badly to be Left Behind (though why anyone would want that is beyond me).  Unfortunately, it didn’t have quite the acting talent or the special effects budget to achieve its lofty dreams.

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Rapture Practice: In Which Rapture Practice is Explained and Also We Discuss the Benefits of Moon Colonies

People get ready. Jesus is comin’. Soon we’ll be going home. People get ready. Jesus is comin’ to take from the world His own. 

– Crystal Lewis “People Get Ready, Jesus is Comin'” (a popular Christian song)

Welcome, welcome, fellow slouchers! You get a two for one deal on posts this week!  In today’s post, we’ll be discussing the age old question…

What exactly is Rapture Practice?   

Hopefully everyone reading this knows what the Rapture is by now (or else I must have some very confused readers on my hands), but, just in case you don’t, I’ll extrapolate briefly. The Rapture is the moment when Jesus returns to earth and carries all true Christians, body and soul, up to heaven to experience eternal bliss. There is some division on how exactly this will happen, and even more division on who exactly qualifies as a true Christian, but that is the general gist. Also, contrary to what Harold Camping says, the general consensus is that nobody knows when this is going to happen. Hence you must always be ready.

The question is, how do you ‘get ready’ for the Rapture? I mean, it’s an event that could happen unannounced–“in the twinkling of an eye” as many dispensationalists are fond of saying–and, other than the initial conversion, being Raptured is completely out of your control.  So how on earth do you practice for it?

Luckily, a nice man named Jesus of Nazareth had some suggestions:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. To the person who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other one as well, and from the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your tunic…” (NAB Luke 7:27-29)

Ok, on second thought, that stuff seems kind of hard.  Maybe there’s an easier way.

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Rapture-Palooza: In Which Rocks Fall From the Sky, Zombies Mow Their Lawns, and the Protagonist Doesn’t Want to Marry the Antichrist for Some Reason

*Contains mild spoilers but nothing that the trailer doesn’t give away.*

Upon my return from a charming South Carolinian vacation, my first order of business was to watch Rapture-Palooza.  It was disappointingly hard to find in theaters, so I ended up going through IMDB to rent it on for $6.99. (There’s likely a more convenient way to find it, but ever since I got BBC at home and stopped having to scour the internet for my weekly dose of Doctor Who, I’ve stopped paying attention to such things.)

Here was my initial response to Rapture-Palooza:

awe 02

This glowing analysis dims a bit in light of the fact that my criteria for best Rapture-themed movie ever consists of “not once did I feel the need to yell/throw things at the screen.”  As a Rapture nerd, I pride myself on having watched more Rapture movies than the average person.  However, as a non-fundamentalist, I get very easily annoyed with these movies, and then I stop watching them halfway through.  Hence I have yet to finish “A Thief in the Night” despite it being a classic in the genre.

What frustrates me about most Rapture movies is the fact that very little in these movies makes sense, and yet it’s usually presented as if everything that’s happening is perfectly logical.  So the fact that Rapture-Palooza admitted upfront that none of it makes any sense immediately endeared it to me.

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The End is Nearer: Updates for the Week of June 2-8, 2013

I’m going to try to post weekly updates so that even if I don’t get one review out per week, ya’ll will still have something to read.  So here’s what’s new as of midnight, June 8, 2013:

  • Rapture-Palooza is now playing in select theaters! Find showtimes in your area.
  • At Medjugorje, visionary Mirjana received a special June 2nd message from the Virgin Mary (Click the message to view in full size):
    June 2nd Message
  • A very happy belated birthday to Damien Thorn, the Antichrist from The Omen!  On June 6th of this year, Damien turned either 63, 47, 42, or 7 (depending on which version you go by).  Happy birthday, Damien!

    Damien Party

    “I will eat your soul.  Then I will eat ice cream and play on a bouncy castle.”

That’s all for this week!  I do my best to keep on top of apocalyptic events in pop culture, but I’m sure I’m missing things!  If you know of anything I missed, I hope you will post it in the comments.  If there’s ever anything you want to see in a weekly update, please email me at, and I’ll do my best to include it!